Excerpt from chapter titled
"Girlfriends" in my manuscript
Mothers Fulfilled
I remember a time when my boys were maybe two and six, and I was desperate for a break. A former colleague of mine was coming to visit. Pre-kids, Penny and I played tennis after work. She'd always beat me, except when I had a particularly bad day. Funny what stress, and de-stressing, looks like. For me, it's winning at tennis and grunting when I slam that backhand across the net.
We planned to walk down to the school and hit a few balls for old times’ sake. I'm not exactly sure what was up with my husband. We were going through a period of being too tired to talk to one another after our evening routine of getting two kids to bed. Undoubtedly, he needed a break as badly as I did.
When Penny arrived, my husband did his own thing and left the kids to me. I couldn't have a conversation because I was constantly interrupted by my boys. By the time I spit out my thought, I couldn't wait for the response while I was chasing someone or answering a question or stopping tears.
We left to play tennis and my husband said he would come. At that point, I gave him a look. At the courts, we started to bat the ball back and forth, trying to talk. Matt rode his big wheel across our court while Frank threw a ball to Ben in the next court. Every time he threw it, Ben missed. It rolled toward our court; Penny stopped and threw it back. Oops, missed again. It was complete pandemonium; I felt like I was on Candid Camera. Trying to appear OK, I told Penny this wasn’t really working. Why didn’t we head back?
We did…and so did the boys. Penny stayed later than expected, probably holding out for us to get a break. I invited her to dinner since it was time for all of us to eat and I didn't want to get everyone off kilter (even further) by not eating on time. Frank was lying on the livingroom floor watching football waiting for dinner to be ready. The boys brought more toys from their rooms and dropped them at our feet until there was no place for me to walk back and forth to get the food ready. They drove their cars across the kitchen floor and up my legs as I chopped onions. Tears welled up in my eyes. This day was a bust; we were not going to get any time to be with each other. When she left, the flood gates broke. I was a ranting, feeling-sorry-for-myself, nobody-understood mess.
The next day, I told Frank he had made a mistake. Interestingly, what I told him that day I have now read is scientifically accurate. Chemically, men and women react to stress differently. A "UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special." (The following information is taken from the source listed below.)* Before this study, scientists, whose stress tests over the years were done 90% of the time on men, believed when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that makes the body stand and fight or flee as quickly as possible, the “fight or flight” behavior held since prehistoric days when men literally had to do one or the other when faced with huge, angry animals. Researchers now believe there is a greater repertoire of behaviors.
In women, the hormone oxytocin is released as part of our stress response. When women in a stressful state turn to their children or friends, more oxytocin is released which counters the stress and calms them. Laura Cousin Klein, Ph.D, Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University, and one of the UCLA study’s authors, says this calming response does not occur in men because testosterone, which men produce in high levels under stress, seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen seems to enhance it. Women “tend and befriend” instead of “fight or flight.” I clean or cook. These physical processes, requiring my focus and complete presence, give me back control and calm me.
Dr. Klein and fellow researcher Shelley Taylor knew they were on to something. More study and research is needed on the dynamics of “tend and befriend” which may explain why women consistently live longer than men. The Nurses Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. The results were so significant, the researchers concluded that not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to our health as smoking or obesity.
Girlfriends talking with girlfriends is free therapy. It refuels our tanks. If I spend a few hours talking and being supported by girlfriends, I am ready to take on what I need to. Having an understanding ear who knows what you're talking about because she, too, is living it is just the comfort you need and makes your problems manageable or diminished. My family gets so much mileage out of the time I spend talking with girlfriends. You cannot run forever without eating, drinking, and refueling. Entropy is a law in physics that says everything breaks down. So, too, is it for people in their daily lives. We are capable of giving so much more when our stores are replenished. Mothers fulfilled are more devoted givers. Our resources, just like the earth’s, are limited. Without putting something back, there is a finite amount of energy a person can give.
Frank and I never had this discussion again and never had a repeat day. We were fortunate, actually, to have had this happen when our boys were so young because our insights learned that day served us so well as the boys grew up. There is one key point to making this work. I don't choose girlfriends over Frank or my boys. Most of my time, outside work, is spent with them. I don't abuse or neglect them by spending too much time, or even daily time, with my girlfriends in person or on the telephone. My family is my #1 focus; they get enough of my attention and time so they do not need to compete for it against my girlfriends. They learned I am a saner, kinder, gentler person after spending time with girlfriends.
Matt said to me at twelve, “Well, Mom, I was thinking of you in science today….because you’re like the nucleus. When you’re happy, we’re all happy. And when you’re sad, we’re all sad.”
Sometimes, I don't want to be the nucleus. I want to be a free floating neutron flying around the cosmos all by myself – not affecting anyone and not having anyone affect me. And that’s when I know it’s time to phone a friend!
*Source: Taylor, S.E., Klein L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T.L., Gurung, R. A. R., & Updegraff, J.A. (2000). "Female Responses to Stress: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight" Psychological Review, 107(3), 41-429.
(photo: Monhegan Island, Maine)
