Parenting younger
children was easier to me than parenting young adults and then partnering with
adult children.
My husband’s and my
principals and values in raising toddlers were in sync with each other. We both saw the importance of structure and
routine, being that type naturally ourselves.
We walked the walk of a healthy lifestyle with daily outdoor
play/exercise, healthy meals and snacks (albeit with sweets daily!), a bedtime
routine, and the same time to bed each night.
He and I, and thereby our children, rose early and retired early after a
full day. We live in moderation – we
don’t spend too much, eat too much, talk too much, play too much, or work too
much. We were cautious and (overly?)
attentive parents. We set the tone for
our household based on who we were and expected a mutual respect, civility,
kindness, and calm.
We are free thinkers
and allowed our children always to talk and debate their ideas. Our children have labeled us “authoritative”
parents, something they learned in high school psychology class which means we:
- listen to our children
- encourage independence
- place limits, consequences and expectations on our children’s behavior
- express warmth and nurturance
- allow children to express opinions
As introverts, we all
understood the need for time alone so there was always that space as they grew
up. That space fostered their discovery
of their creative selves. Creativity is
as human as breathing in my opinion. It’s
just that some open the space to see and feel it, and others keep themselves
too caught up in busyness to let it shine through them.
Neither child was a
follower….just like their parents. I
guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree.
But then they became
teenagers and the expectations, vocally shared by high schools and adult
friends, increased. We felt the strain
of pushing our kids into the right sports and activities, to get into good
colleges, into the right courses and the right levels. There are lots of opinions from other parents
circulating – he needs this sort of school or this sort of major to be
successful and find a job; he needs a city; he needs a small college; he needs
a large college; the state university for financial reasons; a private college
for the potential of getting more money in aid; an ivy league school.
I got the
impression that we parents were wrong if we let the students pick the majors and
colleges that jazzed them, if we let them chase dreams (the one time in their
lives when maybe they can), and for letting them fall in love and follow
girlfriends. We’re wrong if we let them
choose based on their art. We’re wrong
if we let them transfer home if they hate college. We’re wrong to let them think and decide for
themselves.
And somehow, that
wrongness just doesn’t work for me. The
majority tells me this…so can the majority be wrong? My gut tells me to stay the course. Each of us comes to the parenting table with
so many different experiences that create our mindset – how we were raised,
what we felt worked, what we felt didn’t, what we want to replicate, and what
we want to avoid at all costs.
We’ve raised our
children according to our principals and beliefs. Should we succumb to peer pressure now the
way we’ve told them not to? Are we no
longer walking our own walk?
There’s no one right
answer. This is why I say it gets more
difficult when the stakes are higher and the kids are older.
Keeping children from playing in the street
is pretty clear cut. Forcing the
lifeblood out of a young soul just beginning his foray into adulthood isn’t as
clear. Am I hurting him for not pushing him
into a business degree which will allow him (possibly) to find a job, albeit
one he’ll hate?
I guess all we can do
is continue to follow our own instincts, what we believe in, and how deeply we
understand our children now
that they’re adults.
I wish I could
offer advice…but the truth is, no one knows.
